MonoMonoMommy

It was the lowest point. The worst had become a reality.

I sat in a wheelchair while Michael stared out the window of the children's NICU waiting room as I stared at the white wall.

We had just minuets before said good bye to Owen. He laid there so peaceful, his hands were so small. He was so perfect. Yet, I guess most angles are. His body was so frail I knew it was the right choice to let him go but, still the haunting thought of "What if we waited a little longer, could he make it?" Ran through my mind and heart.

The room was large and cold, divided with curtains for grieving parents and tired parents who wanted to pull out a couch and sleep.

My c-section incision ached with every heave of cry I let out, Michael held me in his arms and we sobbed together.

Moments passed and a lady walked in.. She looked sad and tired. She saw we were grieving and passed us quietly. I watched as she drew her curtain, plugged in her cell phone and laid out a blanket. I could tell she had done this before. She struggled to pull out the fold out couch. Michael asked if he could help her, she Smiled and said

"No, this one sticks a little.. But, I always get it eventually." She continued .. " I've done it many, many times.. My Son is three now and he's spent most of his life here at this hospital, it's our home now. He has a failing heart, failing kidneys and brain damage, the surgeries are never ending. He suffers greatly." She paused and said, "Some days I wish the good Lord would take him home and put him at peace."

I looked at Michael, we instantly knew God sent us that lady at our lowest moment to reassure us and in some way comfort us that we had made the right decision. We gave her our apologies and said we would be praying for her and left the room.

I still think of that lady often and whisper a prayer for her when she crosses my mind. And I thank God daily for comfort, because in my comfort came healing.

Since my last post we have had two, level two ultrasounds. One at 16 weeks and one just last week at 21 weeks. I am so proud and thankful to say that Hudson is doing perfect! There are no heart abnormalities, no brain issues, he has his corpus callosum and has no form of down syndrome or mental retardation. 

Gosh, what a blessing it is to say all that. You never truly realize how much of a miracle it really is to create another %100 healthy human until you have not been able to create one and or lost one (or two).

I have held my breath until this last ultrasound. Just scared almost to be happy. I think it's a fear all Mom's who have lost a baby feel. But hearing the Doctor say he is as healthy as can be, and then releasing me from high risk care was my go ahead to be happy and finally enjoy this experience.

The night we lost Quinn I was in bed at the hospital and almost asleep.. I remember being awoke by the feeling of his movement the moment he passed. It still haunts me. I lay in bed at night and feel Hudson move and kick and it's so reassuring and peaceful.

I have now decided to start working on the nursery! Thank God I'm having another Boy because I already have everything I could ever need! Thank you everyone who's been praying for us we appreciate it so much. God is so good.

♥ ‎”For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” -Psalm 139: 13-16

I was 12 weeks at the time of my first ultrasound. I've never had one that early on. But due to all the problems we had last time they decided to give me one early and make sure there was only one little bean in there and that he or she was growing properly so far.